Noggins of Newton – 2016

Originally published in June 2016


We don’t really need to list reasons why being bald is awesome but as a bald man I like to point out how awesome I am, so here is a list of 8 reasons why we bald men are awesome!

1. Women love to rub your head

I’m not sure if it’s because they think it gives them good luck or if they like the texture of noggin stubble but I do know this; they cannot help it! Being bald opened up a new world of head rubbage for me and it will for you.

2. You know before the rest of the world that it’s raining

No darned hair getting in the way, your umbrella is out and poised while those other hair headed fools are dripping wet. When this occurs always ensure to laugh maniacally for the greatest effect.

3. Cats and dogs love to lick your head

Yeah, I know, this one sounds gross but I had over 21k likes on my social channels for a video of my pug licking my head. Go figure, who knew something so gross would be so widely appealing?

4. You now have great reason to move cities/country

Everyone from your hair days will like to remind you of how bald you now are like it’s a bad thing. I always get asked “What happened to your hair?” my reply is standard now “The same thing that happened to your last relationship/grandmother/pet. It died.”. That shuts them up but it also creates some undue animosity so… you can move to a new city free from the hair heads of your past. In a new city you will simply be “the cute bald guy” rather than “that bald jerk who keeps bringing up my failed marriage”.

5. Being bald is good for the environment

You’re bald now, that’s cool, you must care so much about your carbon footprint, right? Right! No more hair means no more wax, gel, shampoo, conditioner, no more containers to hold the products and no more transport to get them to your local retailer. Being bald just impacted the environment in an amazing way!

6. Your fancy dress options just went from cool to awesome

You normally dress up as a robot or a superhero when a fancy dress event comes around, we all did. Well, no more, friend! You’ve got options from TuPac to Lex Luther, Mike Tyson to Vin Diesel and so many more. Voldemort is my favourite option, slightly behind an older John MacLane…yippeekayay, mother fluffer.

7. You are cooler, literally cooler

You’re on the beach with friends, they all complaint that it’s too hot, they look at you and gasp… you’re not sweating, you’re smiling and relaxed. Why? Well that’s because humans with hair loose less heat from their heads; meaning you lose heaps more heat and thus are much cooler than everyone else. Fact. Science fact!

8. You have a hat for all occasions

I spent €2,843 last month on hats and I regret nothing. Hat’s come in handy to cover your head and keep it safe form the sun or the cold, they also add to your coolness levels and are a great talking point when you don’t want to talk about how bald you are. Hat’s are your best friends now.

Not that you needed to know all of this but it’s all true and based in science, bald men are sexier, more intelligent and also much better in bed. Science.

Noggins of Newton are offering clipper and cutthroat head shaves at 50% off provided you mention this article, swing by and discus all the reasons why you are better than everyone else with our team. Why not throw in a beard trim too? You are rocking a beard right? My guide to being bald and bearded is coming soon!

Originally published in July 2016


Being bald is clearly very sexy, as we know from my last post, but how about combining that sexy with a bear that will undoubtedly blow the minds of every warm-blooded animal for miles around?

Here are 6 reasons why you should embrace being bald and combine with a well maintained beard to increase the appeal.

1. Beards make you look smarter, bald heads make you look cooler

It’s as simple as pie, a bear makes you look more intelligent and wiser. Combine that with the fact that your bald head makes you look cooler and there you have it! Cool and inteligent, you’ll be swimming in compliments in no time.

2. There’s something oddly confidence boosting in being bald and bearded

After I visit my barber and have a cut throat shave on the noggin and a quality beard trim I feel like a boss. I strut into the streets waving at strangers, kissing babies and shaking hands. The world loves me and I love it. Being bald and bearded has a strange confidence boosting effect that I cannot explain but know is very, very real.

3. Potential lovers like to touch your beard

I mentioned before that potential lovers love to rub a bald head, be it for good luck or a strange fetish and the same is true of beards. I guess having the two things working in tandem blows their minds a bit and thus I find myself with slender fingers running through my bard and soft palms atop my head for around 80% of my day.

4. Loads of awesome people have bald heads and beards

Sean Connery, yeah, James Bond currently rocks a bald head and beard combo. Michael Stipe… that R.E.M guy, rocks a sweet beard and shaved head combo too and he gets to hang out with Liv Tyler all the time. Jason Statham has beaten up more mean and had more car chases than anyone I know, short beard and bald head made that happen!

5. Beards add to your sex appeal

Being bald is cool, embracing the march of time and accepting life for what it is quite simply is sexy. Throw a beard into the mix and we have a real winner. A bearded man is 129% more likely to find a deep and meaningful relationship with an 83% hotter partner than a non-bearded chap. That’s just impossible math, so it has to be a fact!

6. You’ll never be in a fight again

Two things hold you back in a fight, lots of head hair and a beard. Both things offer items to grab when in a tussle with another chap. Why not play a ming trick on that would be assailant then? Shave your head to show that you are ready if the day comes, you have less grabbage on offer. However, grow the beard as a statement too, the beard says “I got this, I’m tougher than you, even with my beard holding me back”. Assassins and bare knuckle fighters alike will cower away from you and thus you’ll have a less confrontational life simply because your bald head says “I’m prepared” and your beard says “Let’s have it big man”!

That’s all the reasons you need, so get down to Noggins of Newton and mention this article for 50% off your beard trim and shape plus 20% off beard care products.


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